burning_smile | (no subject)

He fidgeted, for a moment, shifting his hand around on Dirk's and pawing at his knuckles, until he turned his hand over a little, thumb against his palm, and brought the Strider's hand forward until it was pressed over his heart. Dirk might recognize the feeling of wrapped gauze bandages, but more noticeably was the way Jake's chest gave just a little more than it should have.

Jake stared dutifully at the floor.

(deleted comment)

"I wasn't born a boy," Jake said, his voice strained and far too loud. He hated the way it sounded, he hated the way it felt to say it, he hated everything right then. He hated everything, except Dirk's hand. But he released his grip on that, so Dirk could pull away, because he would want to. And Jake was pretty sure that was what he hated most.

(deleted comment)

What was funny was the fact that Jake had always cried pretty easily, growing up. Little things would set him off, and he could just cry and cry until he fell asleep because nobody was around to tell him he wasn't allowed, or it wasn't becoming of a boy, or to call him a crybaby. He almost never cried if he got hurt, because crying was just gonna make it hard to see to fix himself up. With no one else around, if he actually needed to do something about an injury, crying was entirely out of the question.

Funnily enough most of his episodes had been due to the very problem at hand, here and now, so when Dirk pulled him forward Jake would have expected himself to dissolve like a bath salt that didn't smell or look as pretty. But he didn't. He just sort of felt himself shut off, and he closed his eyes and leaned against Dirk, not quite finding the will to bring his arms around the other.

"I should have told you."

(deleted comment)

Jake flinched at that.

"But I'm--" he drew his shoulders up and tried not to feel nauseous at the words coming out of his mouth. "Dirk I'm a girl." No, he wasn't. No he wasn't! He could be whatever he wanted to be, whatever felt right. He wasn't a girl, he was a boy, he was just wrong, that's all, Dirk, you have to believe him.

(deleted comment)

"Because," Jake said, pulling away a little. Now he was starting to get upset. It was a sort of belated reaction, but he mashed his hands into his face anyway. "Because they get in the way, and I don't want to be a girl."

(deleted comment)

He tried to breathe normally, but he sort of hitched and wavered, instead.

"Gram used to say the same thing, that I could be whatever I wanted to be," he said, torn between curling into Dirk's chest despite being taller and pulling away to curl up on his own. He didn't know how to handle being held when he was upset, it had been so long. "I'm sorry, though."

(deleted comment)

When Dirk put it that way it did sound pretty damn ridiculous. His face pulled funny and he pushed his glasses into his head, rubbing at his eyes. He hadn't fully started crying yet, but the thought was there.

"I guess I sorta am," he offered.

(deleted comment)

He huddled in on himself, like maybe if he folded up small enough he could disappear. Or form a chrysalis, and when he broke out of it he'd be in the right body. He took a moment to busy himself with unlacing his boots, because he didn't wanna get dirt all over his bed.

(deleted comment)

"I didn't want you to think I was avoiding contact because I didn't like you," came Jake's reply, quiet against his knees. "I just. You don't like girls."

(deleted comment)

"Not the sort of like I meant," Jake supplied, and closed his eyes over, setting his head against Dirk's. He nodded. "Nothing like this feels okay."

(deleted comment)

"Oh," Jake... hadn't really been sure what he'd been expecting, but he was reasonably certain this wasn't it. He bluescreened a little. "Um."

(deleted comment)

He hunched himself up a little farther, burrowing backward into the jacket he wore with the sleeves rolled up. He tugged the neck of it up over his head like a hood.

"I dunno, I didn't really plan past here."

(deleted comment)

Funny that it was Dirk's sweetness that made tears finally well up and ooze out of Jake's eyes, congesting his nose and making his breath seize up in his chest. He leaned sideways and buried his face in Dirk's chest, a long whine of a sound escaping him as he did so.

"You stinking nincompoop, why do you insist on being the sweetest thing whilst simultaneously the most arseholian gentleman I've ever had the full and complete pleasure of being friends with."

(deleted comment)