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[shitknickers]

This is a generic Jakepost to reply to. Because the meme post was all Jake and has some inconceivable amount of comments now so it doesn't like to load. Have at, my lovelies.

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[shitknickers]

Good gravy this was difficult. He didn't think this through very well. Jake's fingers went around Dirk's nearly instantaneously and he lead him to where he could leave his things, not quite making eye contact but definitely keeping the contact of their hands.

He really, really wanted to kiss Dirk again, but he didn't know where it would lead.

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He kept his eyes looking away, and eventually closed them, bringing his hands up to rest on Dirk's wrists.

"I dunno," he offered truthfully. Because he didn't. He wasn't in pain, or danger, or anything that wouldn't pass, eventually, but... Jeez. He opened his eyes and stared downward, still unable to meet Dirk's eyes.

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He finally brought his eyes up to Dirk's and stared for a long time, uncertain and maybe a little scared, until he closed the distance between them and kissed him. It was light, at first, chaste and careful.

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He kept at it for a while, chaste little kisses, some lasting longer than others, and his stomach got all squirmy and his entire body just felt warm. He kept his eyes closed but pulled away slightly, resting his forehead on Dirk's.

"What if I had a secret," he asked softly. "Something I was scared to tell."

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His face drew up in a taught line and he pulled away a little. The look on his face made him look smaller than he was.

"...I'm not so sure."

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That pulled a strained smile out of him, and he turned his head to mirror the gesture, reaching down to take Dirk's hand.

"...trust me for a second?"

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He fidgeted, for a moment, shifting his hand around on Dirk's and pawing at his knuckles, until he turned his hand over a little, thumb against his palm, and brought the Strider's hand forward until it was pressed over his heart. Dirk might recognize the feeling of wrapped gauze bandages, but more noticeably was the way Jake's chest gave just a little more than it should have.

Jake stared dutifully at the floor.

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"I wasn't born a boy," Jake said, his voice strained and far too loud. He hated the way it sounded, he hated the way it felt to say it, he hated everything right then. He hated everything, except Dirk's hand. But he released his grip on that, so Dirk could pull away, because he would want to. And Jake was pretty sure that was what he hated most.

[shitknickers]

What was funny was the fact that Jake had always cried pretty easily, growing up. Little things would set him off, and he could just cry and cry until he fell asleep because nobody was around to tell him he wasn't allowed, or it wasn't becoming of a boy, or to call him a crybaby. He almost never cried if he got hurt, because crying was just gonna make it hard to see to fix himself up. With no one else around, if he actually needed to do something about an injury, crying was entirely out of the question.

Funnily enough most of his episodes had been due to the very problem at hand, here and now, so when Dirk pulled him forward Jake would have expected himself to dissolve like a bath salt that didn't smell or look as pretty. But he didn't. He just sort of felt himself shut off, and he closed his eyes and leaned against Dirk, not quite finding the will to bring his arms around the other.

"I should have told you."

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Jake flinched at that.

"But I'm--" he drew his shoulders up and tried not to feel nauseous at the words coming out of his mouth. "Dirk I'm a girl." No, he wasn't. No he wasn't! He could be whatever he wanted to be, whatever felt right. He wasn't a girl, he was a boy, he was just wrong, that's all, Dirk, you have to believe him.

[shitknickers]

"Because," Jake said, pulling away a little. Now he was starting to get upset. It was a sort of belated reaction, but he mashed his hands into his face anyway. "Because they get in the way, and I don't want to be a girl."

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He tried to breathe normally, but he sort of hitched and wavered, instead.

"Gram used to say the same thing, that I could be whatever I wanted to be," he said, torn between curling into Dirk's chest despite being taller and pulling away to curl up on his own. He didn't know how to handle being held when he was upset, it had been so long. "I'm sorry, though."