burning_smile | (no subject)

Something in Dirk's resignation hurt, and Jake didn't realize he was reaching out until his hand was on Dirk's shoulder.

"I'm no better," he managed, his voice thin and stretched over tightened vocal cords. His eyes were watering, so he was blinking far too often in order to keep them from betraying how completely not okay we was with all of this. "Neither of us are blameless, Dirk, we sucked at dating, but dammit, I don't want to lose you."

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"Oh, I don't know, maybe the fact that you're one of four people I love more than life itself and have been friends with for most of my natural life?" His tone was high, incredulous. Their dating failures aside, Jake couldn't wrap his brain around how Dirk couldn't see himself in any kind of good light. "And I'm the one that messed up with us dating, Dirk, I should have said something instead of avoiding you like a coward."

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"Shut--" Something like a sob tumbled out of his throat and he released Dirk's shoulder, only to reach out with both arms and forcibly grab the blonde in his arms, dragging him into an embrace.

"Shut up, Dirk, fuck."

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He probably should have, but he didn't. Instead, his grip tightened around the Strider's shoulders, and he shook his head, trying to keep his breathing even.

"Dirk, stop, this is nonsense. We're both a mess, I miss you terribly, I can't let you isolate yourself like this when you weren't wrong."

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The way Dirk slumped in his arms made Jake's entire person ache. He slid one arm so his hand was cradling the back of Dirk's head, his other wrapped around his shoulders still.

"Shh," he offered. "Dirk, we're all a mess. We've never been okay. None of us."

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It was a funny sort of hurt that came with Dirk finally returning the embrace. His fingers threaded into the blonde's wild mass of hair and he rocked them back and forth a bit, still shushing him. He didn't bother keeping his own eyes from leaking, but he at least wasn't sobbing outright.

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Knowing that he was most, if not all, of the cause of Dirk's anguish made Jake's shoulders shake as he tried to not sob along with him. His breath hitched anyway, but he was determined to stay mostly together for Dirk. He was the one hurting most, here, he needed some kind of lifeline to keep him afloat.

That didn't change the tears that streamed freely down Jake's tanned cheeks, though.

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Jake didn't want him to stop being Dirk Strider. Overbearing pain in the ass as he sometimes was, he was rather fond of him. His arms remained tightly around him and he slowly shushed him, stroking at his hair. He dared not turn his head and press his lips to the blonde's forehead like he sort of wanted to, but the thought occurred to him.

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The hand that wasn't embedded in Dirk's hair rubbed his back, putting enough pressure to be almost massage-like in its touch. He continued to make quiet shushing sounds.

"Dirk, God, I'm so sorry. It's gonna be okay, chap. I'm sorry."

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And Jake was all right with him not responding. He let Dirk cry, cradled him, and kept rubbing his back even after he relaxed and had gone quiet. He was worn out, himself, and leaned backward against a part of the building, rearranging himself and Dirk carefully so they could both be comfortable. His breath was still a little shaky, but his own tears had mostly dried.

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Jake didn't mind Dirk's intimate curling. He knew the Strider needed the comfort, and frankly, he wasn't opposed to it, either. They had always been close friends, even before the dating fiasco. So this was fine. Jake let his own eyes slide closed with his arms securely around Dirk, his chin tucked against his own collarbone so his head rested gently against the blonde's.

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Jake wasn't sure that his stasis was sleep. It was more a light dozing, a power-saving standby mode. It was hardly restful. So when a sound somewhere below them made his eyes open again, he looked Dirk over with a downward turn of his lips, not necessarily sad, but not entirely happy, either.

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Everything went really strangely still.

Jake's breath caught in his throat with a slight hitch, just from inhaling as quickly as he did, and his eyes went wide. He was ashamed to admit how fast his eyes went from just wide to stinging to welling up with tears. It hadn't really sunk in, that this wasn't okay anymore. That this was never going to happen again, consensually. That he was the reason for that, because he couldn't figure out how to say hey, you're suffocating me, give me some space sometimes, okay?.

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