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[shitknickers]

Or, more to the point, a post for sad threads because I have so horribly many of them.

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[shitknickers]

[He couldn't get the idea to leave his head.]

[Dispensable.]

[Does nothing more than bring trouble.]

[They'd be better off without him--]

[He shoved himself a little farther into the space he'd hidden away in, folded into an impossibly small space between the bathtub and the toilet of the apartment and trying to keep quiet. He'd slipped out of bed undetected a few minutes ago, and figured Dirk wouldn't have been bothered by him getting up to point percy at the porcelain, but if he wasn't quiet about his fit he'd wake the bloke.]

[So he kept the light off, wedged himself away, and leaked on his arms folded around his knees, trying to keep from making any sound beyond his hitching breath.]

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[There was literally no way to cover this. He rubbed furiously at his eyes anyway and tried his best smile through his tears, though the facade was pretty much in shambles the moment his eyes closed again and a fresh track of tears worked its way down his cheeks.]

I hadn't meant to wake you, chap.

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[He shook and tried to keep smiling, shaking his head and shoving at the tears on his face, willing them away.]

Just a bit of an upset, is all, I'll be right as rain in a jiffy.

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[Dirk being worried-- Dirk caring, it was just fucking killing him. An ache like he hadn't felt in years burned its way up his throat and out his eyes and he lost his battle against sobbing, a horrible sound wrenching its way from him as he just folded forward as far as he could with his knees drawn up like they were, putting his face in his hands and his hands against his knees.]

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[He shook his head-- just sort of shook, in general, really --and reached out blindly to try and find Dirk's hand.]

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[He tumbled forward easily, dropping into Dirk's grasp like a damp sack of potatoes, and just stayed as he fell, tangled in a sort of awkward way and pouring his heart out in the form of painful wails. He wasn't overly loud, surprisingly, just loosing these awful long sounds only to hitch and try to refill his lungs with air to let out another. He was entirely beside himself with some sort of unknown grief.]

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[He squirmed around on the floor, trying to bury himself in Dirk's arms and possibly never resurface. He hurt from the thought that they were better off without him, that he was just a nuisance. But here was Dirk, holding him and supporting him and trying to calm him down. So it couldn't be true, could it?]

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[He wound down slowly, muttering periodic incoherent apologies as he regained the ability to breathe without immediately sobbing.]

I'm a mess, I'm sorry.

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Dreaming-- is awful, Dirk, I hate it. I never want to sleep again...

[All this for a dream? Jake, you silly baby.]

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It felt so real.

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Everyone-- you all got wise, and realized how much of a nuisance I am, and-- [He hitches a little again.] I'm such a coward, Dirk I'm sorry.

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[He was taking these funny little gasped breaths and swallowing them, like he was either trying to not start crying again or trying not to throw up. Either is possible, really.]

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What have I done right since this all started? What haven't I screwed up somehow? [His voice has gotten weak, and he's just sort of listing forward into Dirk's arms. He's such a coward, he's so scared of losing them.]

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Jade had woken him up just after eight with his favorite breakfast-- chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, and sausage (he put maple syrup on all three). He hadn't thought to question it, because she did that sometimes on the weekends. He should have, because it was the middle of the week and not a weekend at all. But he always knew that hindsight was clearer, anyway.

They'd spend the entire day together-- he'd cleared his schedule on a whim to accommodate her request of having a family day. They went to a park, to Jade's favorite place for lunch, and out for frozen yogurt. He really should have thought to ask what was going on when she taught him how to make one of her secret recipes for dinner. But that, too, was something she just did sometimes. She worked in mysterious ways, and he'd always known that. It was like she always knew what was coming before it happened (which was why the recipes she hadn't taught him were in a book in a box under her bed, hand-written with pictures, along with an envelope with a long, long letter).

They'd both gone to bed smiling, and when he got up the following morning and there wasn't coffee brewing, he had grinned at the chance. He must have tired her out, so she slept in. He brewed up the coffee and brought two mugs into her room, and paused in the doorway. Bec was laying on the bed beside her, quiet, still and forlorn. His tail didn't wag when he lifted his head to acknowledge Jake.

He actually managed to put the mugs of coffee down rather than dropping them, and he dialed the medics before he'd even checked her pulse. He didn't call Dirk, just sent him a very simple text, uncharacteristically written.

please come over

[shitknickers]

It was good it had taken him that long, really. It gave the medics time to come in, assess the situation, give a guesstimate on Jade's time of death (4:13AM, peacefully, in her sleep), and take her body away. She would be cremated and the ashes returned to Jake to do with what he pleased, as stated in her will.

He processed the information remarkably well, and sat in the spot she'd been laying as soon as he was alone again. Bec sat with him in silence for a long while, and got up to greet Dirk before Jake even considered moving. He didn't look up until he heard Dirk's footfalls behind the clicking of Bec's claws coming down the hallway.

And nothing really looked wrong, but Dirk could probably feel the cold emptiness of the room. At least, nothing looked wrong until Jake didn't bother trying to smile and the weight of the morning settled heavily on his shoulders. He didn't hold eye contact, sagging a little where he sat without speaking. Bec whined softly and then padded off down the hall again to leave them be for a spell.

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"Her heart just stopped," he said quietly. "In her sleep. She didn't suffer." Saying it hurt. It hurt, in a way he had never experienced before. His entire body hurt-- his blood in his veins and his muscles under his skin and his bones at his core. His throat closed up and he struggled to swallow. He was afraid to move. He wanted to ask Dirk to stay, to never go, to live there, because he knew he couldn't live in the house alone, even with Bec, but he knew Dirk had obligations, they lived far from his work and he was independent and he wouldn't be tied down. He was afraid to ask because he was afraid that those reasons would prevent Dirk from being able to say yes. He would want to, but wanting and needing were two very, very different things, and Dirk was smart and level-headed and maybe he'd stay for a while to let Jake adjust but he wouldn't stay forever.

Jade hadn't stayed forever.

All at once he sucked in a sharp breath and it forced itself right back out as a sob, and the backs of his hands were damp balled into fists around the legs of his flannel pajama pants. For the first time in his life, he was terrified and nervous and upset but he didn't feel sick, he just hurt. And he'd never wished for his stomach's betrayal before, but he supposed there was a first time for everything.

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He guessed that he'd never really cried like this before. Because he really didn't quite seem to notice the way he shook. He didn't actually make much sound beyond hitching, but he went boneless in Dirk's grip and cried for everything he was worth. It took him a long time to be able to inhale and not immediately shudder a sob to where he could actually talk.

"I don't-- I don't even know what to do," he admitted. "I wasn't prepared for-- for this, I can't, Dirk-- I can't--"

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He gave in and hushed, just hitching again for a long while and shifting around in Dirk's grip. He hurt, and he had never hurt like this or been sad like this or felt so numb or empty in his life, and it was all disorienting and counteracting and everything was wrong, but Dirk was right. So he clung to the only thing that was still right in his world, and slowly wound down to where he was mostly still. He couldn't breathe through his nose so he turned his head to the side and rested against Dirk's shoulder, breathing through his mouth and trying to arrange his limbs and his mind and his emotions and mostly failing.

"Everything hurts," he admitted softly.

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"Don't apologize," he offered after a moment. "I-- if you weren't here..." He really would be lost. He hugged the blonde's shoulders. Dirk had been fond of Jade, too. Jake knew that. They were friends, she'd nearly adopted him. He pressed his face into Dirk's shoulder. "...I'm sorry, I should have had you come out with us yesterday." Dirk didn't even really get to say goodbye.

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It wouldn't have been dismissive, it would have been the truth. Jake knew how busy Dirk commonly kept himself-- otherwise his lack of sleep would catch up with him and he'd fall flat on his face. They both knew that. He sat away enough to rub at his face, and Bec wandered back into the room. The beastly dog immediately came to them and laid his head across their legs, looking up at them sadly.

"Can I ask for you to stay for a few days," he wondered, taking a moment to look at his knees before he looked up at Dirk.

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"Sure," Jake intoned dully. "Keys are on the peg downstairs like always." And now they had two cars anyway. He sighed a touch, smoothing an eyebrow absently in thought. He was going to have to make a lot of phone calls.

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He hadn't remembered falling asleep, though that was probably because it had happened in fairly short order after he'd stopped sobbing. There was nothing to keep him awake, really. He wasn't tired, physically, but emotionally he was entirely strung out. So he'd just instinctively leaned into Dirk's shoulder, and... now he was waking up in the same spot. He mumbled, burying his nose in the blonde's shirt.

"I'm not even tired," he explained.

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"I guess," he conceded, shifting only slightly to scoot closer. He didn't want to be awake, but he wasn't tired. He just... didn't want to do anything. Except he'd have to make phone calls, He'd have to clean things, he'd have to feed Bec before too long. The whole of it was more than he wanted to deal with, though.

He was being childish, and he knew it, but he just... Didn't want to do anything.

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He closed his eyes and nodded, absently, shifting to sit up with him.

"I should feed Bec," he said dully.

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He'd be okay, Dirk. Time heals most wounds, but... Unfortunately, this was something that would likely take longer to get through. He stood slowly and smoothed his hand over the bed absently, like he was smoothing down the covers because Jade would be back and be upset if her bed was ruffled. He didn't quite respond to the squeeze to his hand, but he moved closer to Dirk when he was finished smoothing the bed.

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Jake was silent for most of the way down, patting his thigh almost into the kitchen.

"Bec," he called, and the dog lumbered slowly into the kitchen. Jake tried smiling, reaching out to pet him gently. "...Dirk, can you grab me his kibble?"