burning_smile | (no subject)

They had been dancing around this for something like two months, now. It had started off well enough, Jake had a brief crisis early on but then he'd just fallen into a sort of groove that he and Dirk were close friends and also had sex on a pretty regular basis. He knew he'd never quite grown out of the definite torch he carried for the blonde, but friendship with benefits... He supposed was still acceptable. He rinsed out their bowls and wandered back to Dirk, taking his hands and kissing him again.

"Hi," he offered.

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Jake was honestly just scared to be the one to bring it up. He didn't know if he could quite handle pushing Dirk away by having ~feelings~ for him. He turned his head a little to deepen the kiss, channeling his feelings into a raw sort of desire as he aimed to plainly devour Dirk's mouth.

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His breath caught, and he let himself be lead by the hands, biting at Dirk's lower lip. He didn't care how it made him seem, he was very abruptly really, really into this. His hands tightened in Dirk's.

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His breath was already a little ragged, and he trailed kisses sloppily all over Dirk's mouth, shifting so that his hands were in Dirk's still, but their hands were joined and raised, so that when they got close enough to the couch Jake could bump Dirk onto it and knock him to sit, crouching over him and pinning him against the cushions.

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Jake stopped, swallowed, and hovered with his lips parted just barely touching Dirk's skin to look at him. He had to go nearly cross-eyed to do so from how close they were. He moved his head forward, not-quite kissing him a handful of times, just sort of breathing against his skin.

"Dirk," he said, voice barely above a whisper. He shifted to straddle the blonde's waist, keeping their hands twined and putting their lips together, but not kissing, just sharing breath.

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He closed his eyes over against a sudden, startling prickling sensation in his eyes. Wow, what? He hadn't actually cried in years, what was even going on. He pursed his lips together and then pressed them into Dirk's, roughly.

"No," he answered after a moment, scooting forward to press their hips together. "I just want to touch you."

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He moved away, stayed settled in Dirk's lap the way he was, but instead of touching him like he'd said he wanted to, he just... Sort of wilted forward into him. His face pressed into Dirk's collarbone and he took careful, calculated breaths. He was freaking out.

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"I know," he breathed. He nodded. Jade was playing a good part in his upset, but it... He shook his head almost immediately afterward, sitting back to give Dirk a sort of plaintive expression. "But what about when she isn't?" He looked... pretty plainly frightened, really. He looked young, scared... Tired. He looked away from Dirk's eyes almost as soon as he'd met them.

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He drew in a shaking breath and sat back on his haunches, massaging at his temples in an attempt to calm himself down.

"God," He brought his hands down his face and slid his fingers under his glasses, lifting them as he just buried his face in his hands. "I'm ruining this, I'm sorry," he shook his head.

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He was fucking in love with him.

"No," he whined, and he hated that it was a whine but at least it wasn't a sob. Not yet, at least. "Dirk, please, stop," He tried to pull away a little, but there was hardly any force to it. He hurt, and he was scared, and he was fucking in love with one of three friends he had in the world.

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"I don't want to be in love with you,"

He said it before he really realized he was speaking, and when the sound belatedly reached his ears the world sort of stopped. He gasped, startled, and went stock-still. He felt his eyes well up with tears and he hated it, he hated himself and his mouth and his eyes and his tears and his fear over everything-- But there it was, he'd said it, and he couldn't rewind anymore than Davesprite had been able to save John.

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"I know," he said, except he didn't really say it, because it warbled out of him as a sob, and he pulled away and slid backwards, fumbling to try and stand up. "I know, and that's why I don't want it," he couldn't fucking see. Dirk had taken his glasses, and his vision was blurred because he was crying, because he was a baby, and because he just couldn't fucking deal with anything right then. His grandmother was in the hospital-- she was all right, she was healthy, whole, safe, but she was still in the hospital, and the only other person that could even fucking stand him was probably rethinking his life, trying to figure out how to get out of being there. Out of being around him.

He didn't get far, taking about two steps backward before he covered his face with his hands-- he couldn't see, anyway --and sank back to the floor.

"I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry."

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"I beg to differ," he spat, making a vague attempt at a laugh. He folded in on himself, curling his knees to his chest and hugging onto them, fisting his hands around the sleeves of his shirt so he stayed in a tight little deposit. "I can't do this," he said again, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I tried, I can't."

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