burning_smile | (no subject)

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"I know," he said, except he didn't really say it, because it warbled out of him as a sob, and he pulled away and slid backwards, fumbling to try and stand up. "I know, and that's why I don't want it," he couldn't fucking see. Dirk had taken his glasses, and his vision was blurred because he was crying, because he was a baby, and because he just couldn't fucking deal with anything right then. His grandmother was in the hospital-- she was all right, she was healthy, whole, safe, but she was still in the hospital, and the only other person that could even fucking stand him was probably rethinking his life, trying to figure out how to get out of being there. Out of being around him.

He didn't get far, taking about two steps backward before he covered his face with his hands-- he couldn't see, anyway --and sank back to the floor.

"I'm sorry, fuck, I'm so sorry."

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"I beg to differ," he spat, making a vague attempt at a laugh. He folded in on himself, curling his knees to his chest and hugging onto them, fisting his hands around the sleeves of his shirt so he stayed in a tight little deposit. "I can't do this," he said again, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I tried, I can't."

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"Well, anything, right now, it seems," he scoffed, scrubbing his hands against his eyes. Tears kept finding their way onto his cheeks anyway. "I'm in no place to make any decisions, or think, or act, or speak."

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He choked a little, in another vague attempt at laughter, and then looked up to find Dirk in a somewhat calmer state of upset. All at once his heart stopped and his eyes widened and stopped their torrent of betrayal and his mouth slid open slightly.

"Dirk," he breathed, not even realizing he was speaking until he was on the couch again and gathering the blonde into his arms. "What the devil are you crying for?"

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"Nonono, shhh, Dirk," Jake pulled at him, until Dirk was pretty much in his lap, and smoothed his hand along his back. What had he managed to to, holy shit. "I'm sorry," he added. He didn't understand what was happening, what had upset him, but it had to be his fault, somehow.

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He didn't understand.

"Tell me what I can do to fix it," he said, his words more a frightened whisper than anything else.

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His eyes welled up again, but he adamantly blinked the tears away.

"...should I take you home?" he asked, his voice small. It felt terrifyingly final, to ask that. Like if he took Dirk home, that would be the end of it. He felt cold, suddenly.

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He closed his eyes and let himself cry for a minute, leaning back into the couch and hugging Dirk to himself.

"...all right," he said quietly, trying and failing to mask how relieved he was by the answer.

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He... didn't actually know how to respond. So he just let Dirk kiss him, loosening his grip on the blond to let him move as he would. He flinched, just a little, because he wasn't sure what Dirk's intentions were, but... He trusted him. Implicitly. And he seemed to understand more about what was going on, anyway.

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The look on his face accompanied by the actions made Jake finally reach for Dirk's hands and still them, meeting his eyes.

"Dirk," he said quietly. "...maybe we should just sleep on this," he suggested.

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Jake's arms slid around to encircle Dirk's waist.

"...I am touching you," he explained.

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He slid his hand forward and set it against Dirk's abdomen, rubbing his fingers back and forth absently.

"...hey," he tried, nosing against the side of Dirk's face. "Hey."

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